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Winter Is Here

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

Today I stepped out of my car directly onto a patch of ice causing my foot to slide forward, nearly blowing out my taint. After recovering from my splits, I cursed this wretched weather and googled the weather in Houston, 83 degrees. Why the fuck do I still live here?

The first real snow storm of the year finally hit and the next few days were mid twenties. Roads are trash, moods are piss poor, and the snow is so cold that you can't even make a proper snowball. Here's a valid question: Why are the snowplow operators the last ones to get the memo when it snows over night? You could play basketball in the Walmart parking lots but the state highways are suited more for a Canadian Hockey game. Where the hell does my tax money go? Communists. For all the snowboarders and skiers out there, this is your time, go have fun or whatever. Leave the rest of us to complain to one another over cups of coffee. Beer doesn't even taste good in the winter, it's too cold.

I asked my roommate to give me his thoughts on the current weather in one to two sentences. He replied by saying, "I don't know, I haven't been outside yet." (It's 4pm) Smart man, there's nothing for us out there in that frozen tundra wasteland. Oh and this next comment is for pickup truck drivers... fuck off. I say this for a couple of reasons. First, whenever you pull up next to a pickup truck at a red light, they assume that we are now racing. This isn't just in the winter, this is all year round. Hey Cleetus, not looking to race buddy. Just fixin' to accelerate at a normal rate of speed. Not Cleetus though, he's a speed demon and an asshole. After coughing out the black smoke that erupts from his tail-pipe (that for some reason comes out of the bed of his truck instead of the back of it) give him the middle finger, it'll make you feel better. Secondly, in a snow storm they drive faster. Not because the truck is more suited to drive fast in the snow, rather they want you to think that it is. Look at how awesome my truck is. Get bent.

Anyways, I think it's time to look for some property in Texas, Florida, or Mexico. I would have included California but that place is a shit show, no thanks. Until then, I'll strap on my micro spikes, watch my step, and white knuckle my steering wheel while watching for Cleetus and his cronies. I recommend you do the same. Good luck this winter, stay warm.

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