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Trading Stock Options

For every 1000 novice Robinhood day traders, one of them get's rich quick. The other 999 morons have moved back in with their mom, stolen her credit cards, and maxed them out to buy weekly calls. These are the real heroes.

Remember when we left stock trading to the crooks on Wall Street and we just invested into Roth IRA's? Well those days are behind us baby, we're all crooked now. Imagine being able to add "Day Trader" to your resume. All you need are some credit cards with a large cash withdrawal amount, a phone, the Robinhood app and your favorite market forum (I suggest wallstreetbets on reddit). Eventually you'll need other things as well such as a couch to live on, a blow up doll, and a good lawyer to manage your child support payments but we'll get to that later.

You've just downloaded your Robinhood app, you've maxed out all of your cards and right now, in this moment, the world is yours big fella. Next, encourage some of your closest friends to do exactly what you're doing, getting rich alone is fun but getting rich with friends, that's the stuff dreams are made of. You now have the app, a text message thread with 3-5 of your closest buddies and some cash on hand. Let's get started. First, read one, maybe two articles about any new tech company and look for the key indicators. Do they have a celebrity CEO? Do they promise product that they haven't produced yet? Does Jim Cramer hate everything about the company? If the answer to these questions is yes, congrats, you've found your ship, all aboard to financial freedom. Start by buying call options (stocks only go up), set the expiration date to the upcoming Friday. Buy as many as you can afford.

Next, wake up the following day at market open, brew some coffee (black only) and watch your options double in value. But don't sell yet! Hang on to those suckers, they're climbing. Go about your day for a few hours and fantasize about all the shit you're going to buy when you sell your stock options. After a couple of hours pass, go ahead and pull your phone out and check those options. That's right, they're now worth about what you paid for them, hold on to your tits pal, it only get's worse. As you start reeling from the midday downward turn you're going to want to do the only thing you can do, buy more calls. No way it can go down any further than it already has, right? Wrong. By tomorrow afternoon your stock options will be completely worthless and by evening your wife's credit card will be getting denied at Trader Joes. Two weeks hence there will be some paperwork on your kitchen counter with a dotted line at the bottom awaiting your signature. A month and a half from now your ex-wife will have settled down with a physical therapist or a college professor with a nice 401K plan. This is when the aforementioned couch and blowup doll come in handy, maybe contact that lawyer too, child support checks are right around the corner.

Now isn't the time to get discouraged big fella. Keep saving your money and maxing out those credit cards, keep buying weekly option, never give up! The next Tesla is out there somewhere just waiting for you to ride it to the motherland. May Wall Street forever be in your favor. Amen.

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