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The Vaccine

I've got two major fears in this world, sharks and needles. Unfortunately, I didn't have the heart to travel the country without getting vaccinated, so I had to face the needle. I scheduled my stabbing appointment at my local grocery store and awaited the date nervously. I got the two shot Pfizer vaccination so I'll break this down in a play by play.

Shot Number 1:

My first shot was scheduled at 11:30 am on a Tuesday. I left the house an hour early to allow me some time to bail if necessary. I turned around 4 times on the way there. Here's a quick look inside my head. "Fuck this vaccine, all the old people have had a chance to get it, why do I need it?" (Turn around and head home). "Yeah but it's probably the right thing to do, and what if they start forcing you to have a vaccine card to travel? Fuck" (Turn around again). By the time I finally committed I was running late and it was pedal to the metal baby. I pulled into my parking spot at 11:29am, pissed off.

I walk into the grocery store and wait in line at the pharmacy because you would think that's where the vaccines are administered. After waiting in line for 9 minutes pharm-tech guy asks, "how may I help you?" I reply, "I'm here for the vaccine". He notifies me that the vaccines are actually being given outside in the parking lot in a pop up building of sorts, seems sanitary. After finally tracking down the temporary vaccination station it's 11:45, I'm late, and I'm angry. I walk in the doors and the first thing I notice is 15-20 people sitting in what looked to be a waiting area. I'm thinking, "great, I'll have some time to sit and think about this thing, get the fuck out if I need to." Front desk guy greets me, asks for name and insurance information. I inform him that I don't have insurance because I just quit both my jobs, he can tell I'm not happy to be here. After this insurance question I thought I had done it, I tried to get the vaccine but I can't due to lack of insurance. Turns out you don't need insurance, damnit. So front desk guy takes my information and then points over my shoulder and says, "That's Mike right there, tell him which shoulder you want and he'll take care of you." I turn around and sure as shit Mike is holding the needle, ready to go. Turns out the people in the "waiting room" already got the vaccine and they were just sitting around for 15 minutes to make sure they didn't die. It's on, times up, I walk noodle legged over to Mike and say, "left arm, I've got a golf match tomorrow". At this he laughs, nothing about this is funny Mike. The next 15 minutes were a blur but basically I got stabbed in the arm with some cold steel and sat in a fold up chair self checking for symptoms of death.

Shot Number 2:

Three weeks later my appointment for shot number two rolls around and I'm feeling good about it. Shot number one had zero effect on my golf game, my ability to pound beers, or my overall health. Shot number two should be no problem. I show up to the clinic about 5 minutes early hoping to offset my tardiness from my previous visit. I walk in, hand them my vaccination card and say "left arm" before being prompted. I know the drill. Mike wasn't in on this particular day but worry not, a smoking hot middle aged asian woman sits in his stead, right up my alley. She warns me about the potential symptoms that come along with shot number two and I comment on her eyes. The stabbing commences, my first thought is, "god damn, that one hurt more than the first one." I play it cool, grab me a water and take a seat in the awaiting death room. Here's a little side note for ya ass: I had been moving all week and prepping for my cross country trip so your boy is exhausted. When I sat down in the awaiting death room I plopped my hand on my cheek, set a 15 minute alarm on my watch and closed my eyes. I never made it to the 15 minute alarm. Apparently falling asleep looks too much like dying while seated in the awaiting to die room. Shortly after I closed the lids for a power nap I was woken by the beautiful asian woman, "honey, honey, are you okay?" The only thing I could think was, "she's calling me honey, she thinks of me as a child". I informed her and the rest of the onlookers that I was just trying to get a power nap in before I had to move more furniture. The patrons seemed much less interested once they realized I wasn't dying and they returned to their phones. I was embarrassed, I never get embarrassed. Finally I leave the awaiting to die room and head home. Felt great all day, the next day was a nightmare. It felt like a hangover if you got a concussion while drinking. That second shot is no joke.

Whether you get your vaccine or not, I don't really give a shit. The at risk folks have had a chance to get it and if they chose not to, that's their choice. I got it so I can travel freely without political interruption. Just remember, the first shot feels great, the second one will fuck your world up. Oh and don't fall asleep in the awaiting to die room. Good luck out there Blockheads.

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