People Love Their Pets

Everyone has somebody in their life that owns a pet. An average, adorable, run of the mill pet. Don't get me wrong, I love pets. However, I love overly proud pet owners even more.

"I swear to god the first day we brought him home he could open the door with his nose". Or: "He just listens to me, when I say sit, he sits." Ever heard this before? Of course you have, in fact, you may have said it before. I can't get over how much pet owners love their pets. It makes me happy right down to my core. Only pet owners can make a golden doodle that looks and acts like every other golden doodle seem like the next Air Bud (an all-state football playing golden retriever for all you millennials or Gen Z's or whatever the fuck). When introduced to a new stranger and their pet, I don't even watch the pet, I watch the human. Looking at their pet like it's the only thing in the world, glowing with excitement as it licks and nips and barrels into elderly people. "Oh he's just really friendly", they say as the dog chews on your forearm. Dog's have effectively made inferiors (us) their bitch. If they had thumbs I have no doubt they would take over the world. Since they weren't able to grasp world domination, they settle for shitting on the floor of someone else's home only to be met with the response of, "oh you're too cute to be mad at". Sir, there's a log on your floor that came out of that creatures butt, that's not cute.

Although listening to a pet owner talk about their pet is great, there's something even better. Two pet owners talking about their pets and trying to subtly one up each other throughout the conversation. Example: "This morning Bandit brought me his food dish in his mouth because I was three minutes late for his usual 7 am feeding time." To which the second pet owner says something like, "That is so funny, Daisy does that like every day." Hey person, if your dog brings you it's food dish in it's mouth to remind you of the food dish's purpose, your dog isn't a genius, it's fucking

hungry, feed it you asshole.

I obviously don't own a pet but when I do, I plan on being every bit as proud and over the top. This certainly isn't a knock on pet owners. Without proud pet owners we wouldn't have hipsters, and without hipsters, I wouldn't have good beer. So this post is a big shoutout to all my pet owners out there. Go buy your dog thirty squeaky toys that drive your guests nuts, make them an instagram account, and strut it around your neighborhood.

But always remember, you don't own that dog, that dog owns you.