Whether you make them yourself with some scissors and some old jeans or buy a pair of pre made thigh huggers, jorts are back, and they're here to stay.
Girls have sundresses, and I'd like to thank god for sundresses, but us fellas, we need something to set us apart in the summertime. Bro tanks? Nope. Chino shorts? Nope. I'm talking about a pair of dark blue faded jean shorts baby. These suckers will go with anything. Fuck it, don't even wear a shirt, just rock the jorts.
I've got a buddy that wears jorts from May to September. I don't even think he owns a pair of non denim shorts, and I love him for it. Cookouts, family reunions, lake days, golf, hikes, don't matter, jorts are appropriate for all summer occasions. Now I know there are probably some ladies out there thinking, "dear god, ditch the jorts fellas." We will not. This is our thing and it cannot be taken.
Picture yourself rolling into a bar near a lake, temperatures approaching mid 90's and you're thirsty. You walk in, everyone else is wearing teal, blue, pink, red, or black shorts. You step in rocking a pair of Ecko Unlimited blue jean choppers and you step up to the bar and order a redbull vodka. Congratu-fuckin-lations, you're now the life of the party, hope you brought your A game. You've just solidified yourself as leader of the pack. Later tonight, you're the one talking to the cops to explain why your friend is peeing on a fire hydrant. You're the one initiating conversations with strange groups of women. You're the one bumming cigarettes for the boys out on the sidewalk. You're the jort guy now, welcome to the big leagues.
After you read this article you're going to get online and buy a few pairs of jorts, naturally. First, let's break down the different styles and what it means to wear each one.
Baggy Jean Shorts: Now personally these aren't my favorite but I've seen some fellas pull these off. We're talking about that pair of jorts that damn near goes down to your DC skater shoes. If you're wearing baggy jorts you probably have neck and calf tattoos and you're friends call you something like "Berto" or "Chuck" even though your name isn't Chuck. You'll probably get too drunk before the sun goes down and initiate fights at every oppurtunity. That's fine, nobody fucks with the guy in baggy jorts. You do you Chuck.
Thigh Huggers: This is more up my alley. I love me a pair of thigh hugging jorts to show off some backside. Now when it comes to length, they can't go beyond the knee, that's criminal. Personally I like mine to ride about six inches above the caps. I'm talking about a pair of denim compression shorts baby. Nothing will fit in your pockets but if you're wearing jorts then you're wearing a fanny pack, so you're all square there. Careful on the dance floor, you can't afford to rip the seam outta your gooch.
Go get you a pair of jorts or a pair of scissors. Nothing feels better than having a good Saturday in a pair of thigh huggers, you earned it. Go reap the benefits of summer.