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Hey Sports, Fuck Off

As the Thursday night pregame plays in the background and my friends put on their shirts with other peoples names on the back of them I sit here and think to myself, “Fuck, they got Thursday too?” Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Thursday, all dedicated to pretending we give a shit about sports. Hey sports, fuck off.

I can’t wait for each of my friends to take turns telling us how fast they were 60 pounds ago. Hey buddy, don’t care, is this game over yet? Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve bought many tickets in the past for live sporting events, absolute blast. But watching from home on the TV? No thanks. Well why do I do it then? Here’s why: Nothing makes your friends want to give free beer and food out willy nilly quite like sports. I’ve found in the past that it is apparently rude to grab two beers and a plate full of pizza and retire to my office. I have to actually sit down and yell at grown men in tights to earn my beer and food. Fine, I’ll sit then. The worst part is, three beers in and a belly full of meatlovers/supreme and I’m actually into the game. It’s a god damn trap, run. With Tony Romo calling every play from the booth before the snap and enough god damn car commercials to write an article about the latest models, I’m stuck. How could you leave now? The trick, never sit down. Check the score in passing, when you hear one of your delinquent friends say “shotgun”, happen to walk through the kitchen. They’ll offer you a shotgun every time. Guys take shotguns like girls take dumps, in teams. As for the pizza, well, you’re outta luck buddy but at least you have a decent buzz going on, you know the score, and you aren’t waist deep in a couch that smells like sweaty idiots.

Don’t fall for this: We all have that one friend that yells at the top of his lungs after every single completion. Identify this man, and don’t let him fool you. You’ll be tempted to go watch every time he yells. Don’t worry, nothing cool happened, he’s just an idiot fuck. Stick to this gameplan and you’ll never have to watch a full game of football again. God Speed.

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