Fuckin' Walmart Dude

We try to avoid it but let’s be honest, sometimes you just have to go to Walmart. So you pull into the shanty town that is the Walmart parking lot. I recommend you park in the back where you have an open parking space on either side of your car. If you park with a car on your left and a car on your right, your doors are gettin’ dinged. Nobody opens a car door with more ferocity than a satisfied regular Walmart.

After getting your ocular pat down at the front door from the mall cop, you find yourself pushing your cart down the center aisle. Be sure to watch out for that one lady that exists in every single Walmart on earth. She’s anywhere from 40 to 49, white woman, has red hair (not naturally), she’s in one of those scooters even though she doesn’t require it, she has a pair of pink beats solo 3’s on (around her neck, not over her ears), and her mother (who I’m guessing is about sixteen years older than her) is pushing a cart behind her and being yelled at the entire time. Stay frosty, she isn’t aware that there’s a break on that damn scooter. She’s also not afraid to tell you to “get the fuck out of the way”. Who ever thought words from such a creature could cut so deep? Anyways, she’s usually in the alcohol aisle or the chemical/paper towels aisle so just avoid those.

Finally, you’ve made it to one of the two sections worth frequenting, electronics. (The other one is the seasonal section of course) Since the setup of the Walmart electronics department makes no fucking sense, you need to find someone to point you in the right direction. You spot a group of 3 gentleman with matching polos and name tags having a conversation about the most recent Marvel movie. You approach, “Hey guys do you have any HDMI to micro HDMI converters?”. The lead dog looks your way. “We don’t work here”, he says. You laugh, thinking he’s joking, he isn’t. More seriously now, you say, “Well what the fuck? You certainly look as if you work here, I’m sorry about that.” He tells you that they work for the cell phone provider that is located in the electronics department in all Walmarts. Jesus Christ, when does it end? Eventually you find an employee that actually works at the store that you are inside of instead of working at a store inside of the store that you are inside of and he takes you to your destination. Package secured, time to implement your exit strategy.

Now that your anxiety is reaching it’s peak it’s time to get the fuck out. Map a direct path to the self checkout. Don’t use the aisles, go right through the clothing section if necessary. Grab a diet coke from the fridges near the registers, slap your HDMI cord, TV mount, and seasonal item on the built in counter and get to scanning. Pray to the gods above that there aren’t any bagging issues triggering the red light. If the red light does turn on, open the diet coke and get to drinking, you’re gonna be here awhile. Remember, don’t throw your receipt away or the Yellowjackets at the front door will harass you verbally. Be nice though, they’re just doing their job. As the double doors open and you wait for the three or four non readers to enter through the door that says EXIT above it, you take a deep breath, you’ve made it. Don’t get too excited though. You’ll be back, you always come back.