Break Up With Your Girlfriend, Golf Season Is Back

Golf season is back baby, so grab your Bud Light Seltzers and your degenerate gambling addicted excuses for friends and head to the municipals. I’ve waited all winter for this.

You see a lot of influencers online encouraging folks to have multiple sources of income. So when people ask me, “how many sources of income do you have?” I reply, “do you mean during golf season or in the off season?” Taking money from my 20 handicapper friends isn’t even fun anymore. I have to drink 6 to 8 seltzers on the front nine alone just to keep things interesting. What I miss more than the steady source of income is the lingo. “Get up ball”, “good stroke”, “hit it and you had it”, “that dog’ll hunt” are just a few of my favorites. And we can’t forget about the swing advice that our 20 handicapper friends offer one another. A classic case of the blind leading the blind. Idiots. Meanwhile my textbook swing allows me to hit bombs up to 345 with a sexy 10 yard draw, iron shots are more like drone strikes, and my putter, well, it doesn’t get much action considering there’s rarely a need for it. I’ll shoot two under with a WilsonStaff, I don’t give a shit.

Now I respect the game of golf, but after a few drinks we get a little silly out there. For example, last year one of my friends wrote “defund the pro shop” on one of his golf balls and then hit a piss missile at the putting green (with nobody on it). I hope the pro shop got a good laugh out of that but they probably didn’t. Oh well, we did. If you’re playing a course in the Spokane area and there’s 4 seltzers with holes in the bottom of them in every trash can, well, that’s us and we’re a few holes ahead of ya, keep your head on a swivel the slices are about to start.

I usually walk when I play to get a workout and stretch the trunks but as I mentioned previously, my friends are degenerates so they always rent a cart. They must spend $200 a round. Actually, let’s add it up:

Green Fees: $42

Cart Fee: $24

Bloody Mary: $10

Seltzers (Front 9): $20

Glizzy/Chips/Redbull Vodka: $16

Seltzers (Back 9): $20

Paying Me My Victory Money: $20

Post Match Food (2-4 pitchers): $65

Unsuccessfully Hitting On Drink-Cart Girl: Priceless

Total: $217

3 rounds a week at $217 a round comes out to $868 a month for six months totals $5,208. Worth every penny.

I hope you can shave a few strokes off your handicap this year but let’s be honest, you aren’t getting any younger. It’s only downhill from here. Grab your balls, brag about your new clubs, and perfect that “fore!” call. It’s going to be a long 6 months.